Ethan Chew initiated a collaborative story writing group by e-mail.
He nominated Crystal Chiang as one of the groups most creative
contributors. The Class of '72 decided to award an Honorable Mention
to both of them.
Date: Sat, 7 Apr 2001 14:35:16 -0500 (CDT)
From: Ethan Chew
Subject: Re: Crystal's stories
Actually, we have a store-mail group where we have one story, but everyone
writes their own parts of the story, so here is the whole story with all
of each writers' sections labled (down under there).
Key to terms in story
Superior Species (SS)-People (especially females) who have some degree of
authority over me (Seniors Diane Plewa (Diana Plewaea Supeioria, title SS
Diane) and Masha Gelfand (Mashaea Gelfea Kangarooate Supeioria, title SS
Masha)
Inferior Species (IS)-Me since my species is 'lower' than theirs (Ethanus
Chewus Boous Lizardus Lippus Ebrius Chickensuitus Crazyus Inferiorus)
C-66 Attack/Transport Cloud- Vehicle SS uses to attack IS and quell IS
revolts, also can be used as a recreational vehicle to try to pick up SS
mates. Equipped with lightning blaster and IS-seeking bombs.
Magic Chicken Suit (MCS) - A magic chicken suit the IS uses to revolt and
fight the oppression by the SS, equipped with a cloaking field, a super
head-rubber, an insta-freezer, a teleportation device, and a variety of
other hardware with unknown purpose. Also comes in seven snappy colors,
one size fits all.
Magic Boxing Kangaroo Suit (MBKS) - Like the MCS, but it's in the shape of
a boxing kangaroo and SS Masha uses it for her own purposes. Orgin
unknown.
Ah, here's the story now.
My section
Inferior species is bored, he decides to have FUN!
He puts on the MCS and charges species madly screaming with a big pillow
in hand. Species desperately doges, but she is not fast enough. Suddely
she realizes she is a lot larger and therefore heavier that IS. She uses
her massive body to smash the IS and the MCS into flat itty bitty
pancakes! Mmmm, all the SS's will enjoy pancakes tonight.
(oh no! what will IS do now that the MCS is in the hands of the evil
SS's?)
Write some mad e-mails, we should get stories going back and forth.
Superior Species Duel Between Head Species Diane and Third Species Masha
Scene: Table with the two of them sitting facing each other, they are
playing a game with a pen and paper.
Suddenly SS Diane Jumps up on her chair dancing and singing a victory
song.
Masha begins to draw evil death cartoons of Diane.
Diane strikes back with more death cartoons.
Suddenly a big duel is off! (who do you put your money on?)
Masha pulls on the Magic Boxing Kangaroo Suit.
Diane gets in the swiped (hmph!) Magic Chicken Suit.
DING! The starting bell goes off.
Masha beings pounding leather into Diane!
Boxing damage for 500 Damage points!
Diane activates the MCS's cloaking field, leaving Masha dazed and confused
over where Diane went.
Suddenly Diane materializes over Masha and uses her mass to smash her
flat!
Pancake Attack for 3000 Damage points!
But the Magic Boxing Kangaroo Suit is inflatable, Masha inflates it to
lift Diane off!
(please contiue...while you can, I've just run out of good ideas)
(Note: There wasn't too much enthusiasm to write, so I had to continue.)
Now that I petty strife over a paper game has escalted into a full-fleged
war (and the Species still have yet to write the conclusion) I will now
send me to intervene and get them to write stuff.
Superior Species are fighting wildly, one in the Magic CHicken Suit, the
other in the Super Boxing Kangaroo Suit.
Inferior Species Chew uses his relatively small size, the noise and
shadows to
cover his arrival.
He pulls out a tube of Inferior Species's Super Sticky Glue and quickly
sprays it all over the ring.
Suddenly, splat!
The SSs are stuck to the ring! (who's your money on now?)
IS quickly glues string to SS Masha and SS Diane and begins to move them
like puppets!
The bell rings and off goes the match of the two boxing puppet toys!
BAM! POW! WHACK! IS Chew controls the match! Who is your money on now?
(after that, I decided to expand the list of people who were recieving
these mails)
Inferior Species was bored today, so he decided to have some fun with
somebody else other than Diane and Masha (he already glued them to the
floor, so he now he can't go anywhere with them).
Inferior species picks up the phone and dials Evan's House.
*RIIING*
Hello?
HEEE HEE HEEEE EVAN-O!
Ethan, not now, because-
*sound of barking and charging dog*
Oh no Mosby! You bad boy! You ate my hand yesterday and Evan needs his
other hand to finish his homework! No AHHHHHHHHHH!
*sound of crunching and cloth tearing*
IS Ethan suddenly grabs his tranquilizing equipment and a few extra limbs
to get to Evan's house.
He arrives and various pieces of Evan crawl over to him.
IS Ethan repieces Evan so he can get Mosby once again!
Ethan gives him pump shotgun loaded with various traquilizers, and Evan
sends Mosby running scared with his fear dart!
(DISCLAIMER: PEOPLE IN THIS STORY DO NOT NECCESSARILY REFELCT THE PEOPLE
IN REALITY. INFERIOR SPECIES CHEW'S MIND IS JUST HIGHLY IMAGINATIVE.)
Suddenly Ethan wakes up from his dream and finds he is on a pallete
in a dungeon being tortured at the hands of Comrade Alex!
Tell me Ethan, where is the ArseMaster 2000 hidden?
I'll never tell you Alex!
Oh yeah, how about 12 hours of more German Comedies to be tortured with?
Roll the film!
*sudden hysterical screaming from other prisoners in dungeon as they are
forced to watch the horrible terrors of the German film previews*
*Comrade Alex walks around IS Chew's table, arm behind back and other in
front lecturing slowly and very pensively*
You know, you are useless without your Magic Chicken Suit, it was stolen
by my agent Superior Species Diane. You might as well tell me where the
ArseMaster 2000 is before she uses it to destroy your peaceful,
insanity-loving nation of Inferior Species.
*Comrade Alex suddenly turns away from table while twirling his mustache,
thinking*
What an odd, crazy nation of people willing to oppose the order of
Communism, and yet you call us anarchists. I should-
*suddenly there is a loud crash as Ruth the Knight in Shining Armor along
with page Jonnythonny come charching through the windows!*
HA! We have come to oppose the order of communism with all the anarchy we
can make!
*Ruth and Johnny free Ethan, tie Alex to the table and put on 24 hours of
Russian Hippe cartoons! (Provided by Species Diane and Masha) Alex starts
screaming*
AHHHHHH!! NNOOOOOO RUSSIAN HIPPE CARTOONNNNSSSS!
*Suddenly Emilia pops on the scene and starts tossing flowers while Ethan,
Jonny and Ruth turn into hippies and flash peace signs*
END
(Emilia protested being classified as a hippie, so I rewrote the end)
End of Revised Version 10.342*(6.02*10^23), right where we left off at
Emilia tossing flowers with Ruth and Jonny the hippies.
Suddenly Emilia drags in a bathtub and climbs in with every other girl in
the room (Now don't get squemish children, this is just natural lesbianity
and Emila wanted me to put this in. So here we are Emilia).
*phone rings*
Butler! EMilia commands
*Alex the Butler comes over with telephone on silver tray*
*Emilia picks it up*
Hello?
Guess where I'm calling from?
*EMilia looks over and sees Ethan in his own bathtub with a phone*
Hi Emilia!
*Emilia puts her hand to her mouth and giggles*
*Enter Lord Carrubba of the Physics Land*
?
*Exit Lord Carruba*
EMilia jumps up and starts giving a physics lecture
(PLease continue Emilia)
(Emilia was inspired, so she wrote her stuff.)
Lord Carruba shakes his head as Bathtub lesbian emilia
gives a very bad naked physics lecture.
besides no one can pay attention because she is so naked
so ethan calls for willy Griscom
But Willy has been barred by Evil CARRUBBA's Anti-Will Force Field
So he sits on the floor and cries.
And Ethan calls in Ms. Herman who brings out her razor
as evil ethan and Ms Hermann Shave Emilia's legs
ruth comes in and with the help of Jonny Climer they save emilia and take
her to a land where
evan is king
and bluebirds twitter.
and comrade alex dances with roses in his teeth and his big red afro
sparkling like rubies in the sun.
Ah.
And They lived happily ever after until
Carruba came and started
teaching About Sine Waves and Destructive Interference and
Ah.
....(what happens next?)
(After Emilia wrote this, I decided to draft some people into the group
with this message. That was when Crystal got in.)
HA! You guys have been DRAFTED (Luckily, almost) to write silly stories!
(ALthough some of you already do)
Anyhow...
IN THE PREVIOUS EPISODE:
Evil Lord Carrubba was lecturing about whatever he could in Physics, so
Emilia went kind of crazy since he was scaring away all the bluebirds that
twittered. Oh, and Alex is still strapped to a pallet in a dungeon being
tortured by Russian Hippie Cartoons and is surrounded by the remnants of
Emilia The Bathtub Lesbian's Bathtub Orgy, while Willy is still locked
outside by Lord Carrubba's Anti-Will Force Field (Poor Emilia).
Sooo....
Emilia is starting to become bored by Lord Carruba's lecture, she begins
to fall asleep, slowly dipping her head, slowly....
*POW!*
Suddenly she wakes up and find that she is in a very dry desert with no
cute guys that look like Willy, just a bunch of scary-looking physics
professors.
My does Emilia wish she had a bathtub and a few friends to play with!
Then the teachers grab her and force her into a chair and tape her eyelids
open. They start giving obscenely boring physics lectures and Emilia
begins to cry.
But wait! It's small, it's silly, and it keeps asking you for money. It's
Super Josie!
I have come to save you my sweet!
Oh please do my dear subbie!
*Josie pulls out a...*
(A what? I'm out of ideas, and sugar. But now Josie has taken away Ruth
the Knight in Shining Armor's business, so no more Ruth? Oh well.)
P.S. Write!
P.P.S. Don't forget about the thousands of rabid chipmunks waiting for you
at your doorstep.
P.P.P.S. Don't ever take ostriches for granted, they are actually
super-intelligent life forms from the planet
BahgownananaahgytafthuoomugahandrignahAHWOOOOOOOOSplat (Translation:
The big fat planet where all the weasles massage the chickens with
cheese the sky is purple with magenta and lime polka dots, and humans try
to understand, but are too stupid to), sent here to
observe all of humanity and periodically stick their heads in the ground
to pretend to look busy (they don't want you to think they are smart or
are trying to make up some smart ideas so they act stupid. Actually, when
they stick their heads in the ground (to avoid predators, you, etc.), it
activates a highly advanced
teleportation system which seamlessly beams them out and beams a dummy in
their place. That way if anyone is watching, it looks as if the ostrich
has been eaten.)
(Now this is Crystal's first story)
hey ethan, wouldn't is be easier to send it around in a circle, rather
than to everybody so that not everybody writes? oh well whatever you
decide.
alrighty then ethan-o, here's my episode:
my episode:
josie pulls out a frictionless stool and some rope!!! she ties up the
teachers and flings them onto the stool, where they're hopelessly trapped,
just spinning and spinning and spinning round and round forever. emilia
thanks josie and they head for cover as a new group of teachers headed by
bergie races toward them. unfortunately, they couldn't have known what
faced them ahead...
***
meanwhile, in the real world, will wonders where emilia is. since she
didn't come in to say hi before class, he ponders where she could be. he
starts unbuttoning his shirt to reveal a skin-tight cliche superhero suit
that has the letter b emblazoned on the chest! could it be? yes, it is!
it's super bananaboy! with his banana peels at the ready, will rushes out
the door (after all, bergie wasn't there to teach at the time; remember,
he's heading the teachers in a race to kill off josie and emilia) to try
to rescue the fair emilia from whatever danger might be threatening her...
but how could he know that she was trapped in her own world!? and how the
^%@*%$#@ do you get through an anti-will force field with banana peels?!
***
bergie et al. had already cornered josie, forcing her to drink liquid
nitrogen. "never!" she cried. emilia stood hidden by the shadow of what
seemed to be a very large boulder, thinking up what she could do to save
josie (even superheroes have to saved sometime or another). suddenly, it
dawned upon her! but it was too late! the boulder, which was actually a
gigantic sand slug (very rare today, they're considered a delicacy and
fetch a high price on the market... but only when they're dead...),
starting slobbering on emilia's shoulder! emilia screamed and ran. it's
a good thing too, because sand slugs are notorious for their sharp pointy
teeth and fire breath and nose claws and eye laser beams and smelly cheeks
and poisonous barbed hair and... well, you get the point.
the teachers turned around in time to see emilia running toward them.
they caught her and were threatening her to force her to drink orange
juice until she exploded and faced a death not unlike tycho brahe's when
the slug attacked! ***
i'm done.
(I wrote my continuation after that.)
Meanwhile while Mr. Bergandine and his croonies were fighting the ruthless
sand slug and losing to all of its various deadly parts, Joesie and Emilia
were able to run away and live hapilly ever after. But it just so happened
that Sadistic Coaches Allison and Orlando were being brought up from the
grave by Mad Coach Doug (they got killed by the track team in the previous
season). The two zombies were then reengineered to have spikes growing on
their feet so they could run faster and had agumented muscles to make them
stronger. Oh, and Allison had some extra height added.
They rose up and said "Doug, we are grateful to have been reborn
and recreated as stronger beings to avenge our previous destruction. We
will follow your every command and do as you say!"
Doug started laughing evilly.
"Your first assignment is..."
What will their first assignment be?
(And then Crystal wrote what the assignment was.)
doug started laughing evilly. "your first assignment is to warm up! i
don't want you two pulling muscles in the pursuit of emilia and josie."
so they did.
meanwhile, back in the real world, will had figured out how to get through
the anti-will force field-- but if i revealed how, it wouldn't be a secret
now would it? anyway, he got through and couldn't believe his eyes... the
classroom was empty... completely empty. where was everybody?
meanwhile, emilia had escaped with the help of josie, who was very thirsty
by this time and begged emilia to loan her some money for the phantom
vending machine that stood in their path. but emilia couldn't be trifled
with this phantom pop machine because her eyes were glued to the hot tub
that lay behind it. josie and emilia exchanged glances and ran headlong
toward the tub. but why were there phantom pop machines and hot tubs
there, when phantom pop machines belonged in the kitchen of uni and hot
tubs... definitely not supposed to be there... yeah... you get it, right?
so anyway, by this time, the sadistic coaches had been done for a while--
they had also done 500 pushups each.
"you know the plan?" doug growled.
"yes, o great one." the sadistic coaches exclaimed shrilly.
but what is the plan?????
(But the stories kinda split because I wrote my version of the assignment)
last episode:
"Your first assignment is to go and work the track team to death!
Make the sprinters run distance and then force the distance runners to do
insanely fast sprints! If they do not behave and work hard, RELEASE THE
DOGS! HAHAHAAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Yes oh Great One! We will do as said!"
Somewhere at Smitty's house,
"GOONNGNGNGNGNGGNGNGGGG!"
Smitty turned over in bed, only to find sharp spikes going through
his body. He opened his eyes and saw that he was in a Chinese
spike-torture box! He bagan to scream in pain, but Allison and Orlando
made the box even smaller to torture poor Smitty. They were also
transporting the entire track team in simillar boxes to a 4:00 am
practice (extra tiny boxes for the subbies).
They set the boxes on the track, released about 42 rabid,
pumped-up pitbulls on the boxes and then released the team from their
wooden spiked prisons.
"RUN KIDS RUN! SWING THOSE ARMS!" the sadistic coaches screamed as
the hundreds of frothing dogs charged them down eating whoever they
happened upon.
Meanwhile Josie and Emilia were having fun TPing Dougs house while
he slept, but they suddenly heard hysterical screaming and yelling from
the track. They drove over as quickly as they could in the Garveymobile
and saw blood and gore everywhere and 42 satisfied-looking dogs. But they
didn't know the sadistic coaches were letting the air out of their tires
so they couldn't escape!
(what now?)
(It appears that Crystal abandoned the story about the plan and continued
with what I wrote.)
my contribution:
being totally scared %#$@less, josie and emilia screamed. they screamed
for a good 5 minutes before realizing their predicament. unfortunately,
they had screamed themselves hoarse and couldn't communicate their plans
for escape. wildly flapping their arms at the car, they dashed over,
josie reaching the driver's side and emilia reaching the passenger's side.
right when they reached it, they discovered to their dismay that they were
on the wrong sides. they sprinted to their appropriate sides and emilia
started driving. of course, since their was no air in their tires, they
didn't get far. what could they do???
meanwhile, the sadistic coaches laughed evilly<-- kind of frau
what's-her-name from austin powers-- her evil laugh... it's kind of like
that... very loud and very evil. and they laughed some more and they
laughed some more. they laughed for a long time. unfortunately, they had
laughed so long that they hadn't noticed emilia and josie sneaking up
behind them and pulling down their shorts!!! totally embarrassed, they
slunk away and hid behind doug, who was very angry.
"get them!" he cried.
"um..." coach orlando tugged at doug's shorts. "we love you and all for
bringing us back, but we're shortless back here."
"fine then. get out of my sight you worthless amoebas!!!" doug war-cried.
"amoebas aren't worthless, little buddy," mr. stone countered as he came
out from his hiding/observing place behind a little twiggy flower.
"oh yeah, they are! and don't 'little buddy' me!" doug shouted.
mr. stone and doug fell to floor wrestling it out. screams of "no, they
aren't" and "yes, they are" rang through the air. josie and emilia
decided that it would probably be a good idea to escape now. they started
sneaking away on tip-toe when they heard a peculiar clicking sound.
"don't think you can get away that easily," coach allison smirked. josie
and emilia now found themselves face-to-face with a
super-automatic-alien-blaster model 50000 (the best blaster in the
galaxy, mind you).
emilia muttered a string of cuss words that should not be reproduced.
what do they do now???
(Apparently after this story, Crystal decided to address the issue of
where she left off about Doug's plan, but the computer misbehaved on
Crystal.)
here's by somewhat condensed version of my contribution to the phantom hot
tub and pop machine story as my computer decided to disconnect me while i
was writing it (stupid machine; i'd take a notebook anyday):
did i mention emilia and josie are in the desert? that might help...
but what the hell is doug's plan? who knows.
emilia and josie and the rest of the world except for some are happy.
josie's got her pop too, so life is good. however, emilia's thirsty too
and josie won't share (bad girl). as emilia walks over to the pop
machine, a can pops out and rolls to a stop at her feet. she dances her
victory dance and rejoins josie. life's good again... except the can
won't open. emilia and josie pry at the tab for a good 10 minutes before
the tab pops off and flies at a hare. the startled hare runs into a fox,
who's just sitting there basking in the sun. the somewhat startled fox
takes off like, well, a fox and runs into an alien. the alien believes
this fox is a human and abducts him. the alien only needs the insides of
the fox for testing, so he discards the pelt in a box full of
electroscopes and cloth and other pelts (could it be... that the fox is
spike???) >:) years later, the earth is spontaneously struck by biological
warheads. the fox population is the only to decrease significantly during
these raids... i wonder why... the moral is, share your pop and if you
don't, don't send pop tabs flying about as they could significantly
decrease the fox population of the world.
anyway, back to the can...
as emilia beholds the can, it starts shaking of its own free will (yes,
cans have free will too). spikes shoot out as emilia drops it. she
screams as she sees that coach allison (with her somewhat hunched over
figure) pops out of the can. josie and emilia are horrified at the
thought of more running when a lizard slinks across their path. josie and
emilia exchange glances and nod at each other.
but what in the world are they thinking of doing? does it have to do with
the lizard? or is the lizard extraneous?
(And then Crystal wrote about the lizard.)
i really should stop writing so many...
back to the lizard...
josie and emilia reached for the lizard at the same time that coach
allison started charging at them. and i mean she really charged... like
a flustered rhino or cat who's tail's been stepped on repeatedly all day.
she huffed and she puffed, but she wasn't fast enough (it's not like she
had a sword or something anyway, so charging wouldn't really do anything
except scare josie and emilia-- it's kinda like charging at warren during
floor hockey... he'll slap the puck backwards). josie screamed and threw
the monstrous lizard (actually, it was really quite adorable and it was
the pride of its race, but that's another matter) at coach allison. she
grabbed it and was about to fling it at a rock when something happened.
but you're probably wondering right now, where's coach orlando, right?
back when coach allison was squeezing herself into the can, coach orlando
was busy preparing bear traps. bear traps? there aren't any bears around
here... but who says the bear traps aren't for *gasp* people instead!!!
ack! or maybe they're for flying dwarves! who knows???
anyway, back to allison...
she was about to fling the poor lizard at a rock and bash its brains out.
when suddenly, very suddenly, the lizard squirted stuff out of its eyes
(yes, a real life lizard can actually do this, but i can't remember which
one it is) at allison's face. she screamed and dropped the lizard, who
ran off and was never seen again. allison clawed at her eyes and face
trying desperately to get the stuff off. but what was it on her face?
she turned towards emilia and josie... and they... bolted. who the heck
wants to stick around to find out what's on her face when they can run
away and not get killed? (it was blood, just so you know)
emilia and josie ran and ran and ran until they ran into coach orlando,
who was still industriously working on the bear traps. they weren't
watching where they were going and happened to run into his back, smacking
him so hard that he fell forward into... ??? what did he fall into???
(Apparently when I wrote this story, I forgot to mention that it was Josie
and Emilia who ran into Orlando, not Orlando who ran into Tim, but I'll
deal with that later.)
Ha! I haven't written in a while.
Anyhow, Orlando and Alison were charging closer to each other, but orlando
didn't know that he was laying bear traps in a circle and ended up coming
back on the start of the bear trap chain. Alison, blinded by rage, didn't
see the traps and got caught, stopping her charge. But The Ever So Devious
Tim Miller stood behind Orlando as he came along backwards and Timmy
stopped him! Orlando wondering what he bumped into suddenly turned around
in a daze only to be faced with the Impish Smiley Tim. The smile was so
taunting, Orlando suddenly burst into tears and fell to the ground wailing
"Forgive me O Great Doug! I am a failure!" But Timmy suddenly turned to
Ethan and said, "Ethan, start lifting weights to get some strength into
you, we don't want people passing you in the races. And watch that
stride!" (Exit Timmy) Timmy single-handedly and smiledly had defeated the
Supercoaches and Doug (he had put Doug in a permanent trance/coma with his
super-scary smile, causing Doug's mind to shut down and never ever wake up
again in fear of the super-scary smile). All will now celebrate! (And
little Josie finally got a soda she found in unconcious Doug's pocket)
What's for the next episode?
Maybe in the next episode of strange stories, I might get some more wild
people like Crystal to come out and play with us. But that's to come.
Meanwhile I think that whoever contrubuted to this story (Crystal, Emilia,
Me and whoever else will contributed) should deserve some credit for
Wyldness, although Crystal sould get the most for standing out the most.
Oh, also for the long chain story. One of my friends, Ruth Miller, wrote
something for the part where the story moves into the dungeon scene, but
it was unfortunately lost! So you might want to ask her about the story
since some credit should go to all contributors to the story.